I just booked another trip to South Beach, I was last there in March, and in November, and it looks like I will be back in April! I really need to get away, I am thinking about going back to DC and Phily. I had such an awesome time in DC. Mark was a great host, and I was able to meet a lot of cool people. I really liked it there.

Anyway, so yeah, SoBo in a month, I can't wait. I am looking forward to leaving NY! I try and get out as often as I can. I mean, I still live at home, but even tho that its different now since I am not upstairs anymore, and I have people over all the time now, I still don't feel really connected. I am having trouble meeting someone I really like and want to stick too. My mind always goes back to wishing I was still with Justin. I always just end up playing the CD he made me. It was the ONLY thing I kept that he had gave me.

I don't know. I wanted to join gay dodgeball this year, but I missed the sign up, and the wait list is so long that I would never make it, but it looks like for next session, I am joining. I am trying to keep busy. Since last year, school really died down, I am finishing my Masters in Special Education this semester, and I am only taking one class. I have been working out, and changing my diet, but im doing it slowly. I went from whole milk to 2% and now I am down to 1%/skim milk. What else can I do to keep busy? I am applying for my EdD now, but, I that wont be for next year. I need to do more.

I remember the days I used to go on a4a and manhunt to keep busy when I was super bored, and just always was looking for attention. I sign onto them every now and then, but I don't really talk to anyone on them or hold any conversations. I almost deleted them a few times and then I though what for? maybe just by signing on once a week, I might get an email from someone special, lol. I know it would be rare, but look at how I met Justin! We were suppose to have a 3way! I wonder if his psychic was right, when she said we would have a horrible break up, but would get back together a few years later, and it woud be great. I guess we will know the move is his on that.


aside from school, the gym and stupid websites, I often think about my life and what needs to change. I've really chilled out a lot, which is great, actually, sometimes, I'm not sure how great it is. I think you could be too chill sometimes and that turns to be a problem, I guess I need to start finding a balance.

I'm ready to meet someone and settle down. I have my wedding planned out, and everything. I want to meet someone and call it quites and never look for another person again. I am ready, I am ready, I hope it happens. let it happen, please, let it happen. I dream about it.

Anyway, the gym closes at 10:30 tonight, so I should get ready and leave so I can have a good workout. It most likely wont be good today considering how tried I am, but its worth a try. off to the gym, I wish meet someone soon who makes me smile from the inside

I had a dream last night, and guess who was in it? Justin! Justin was really excited to see me, and he told me he was going to start law school in three days in his favorite town upstate on the water, it was a law school that I never heard of or that I believe even exists. He said that we would go to Africa, and I think he said that because he knows I used to always say that I wanted to go. The most important thing in the dream was that after I said something to him, he goes, every time you said that, I knew we'd be together forever.

I really do love Justin, I still do, I still wish we were together. At this point, I think we would have moved in together if we were together. I mean, I won't get in touch with him again, and I am leaving that up to him, but I actually hope he does. I think he'd like how much i've grown and changed, and I haven't stopped.

I think he'd find it cool that i'm teaching 7th and 8th grade special education in “scarsdale,” also that I teach Math and English! I know he wouldn't be happy that I'm still in school, but I needed to finish this last Masters to be certificated as a teacher, which I now am as of a two months ago! I passed all four exams and finished all the credits that I needed for the degree. My next plan is to do the EdD part-time, so I can hopefully become a part-time professor and an administer.

I think he'd also like the fact that I've picked up going to the gym, and have a trainer, and I am thinking of getting into boxing now!

He would love this one! Last year, I put 6 grand into my summer account, and I used it all summer. I went out to eat at some really good places too! AKA- I haven't been cheap at all! I went to this awesome steakhouse the other day, that he would have enjoyed! Actually, I took my old TA out to dinner, and we had a bottle of wine and everything, three course dinner!

I just think that if Justin got to know me now, he'd really like me even more then he did before, and I know that I'll always love him. Its sad, but it is what it is.

We used to fight about the silliest things, such as you can't go to a gay bar! I've dated guys since then, and they've went, and I've went, but we didn't go to look at dudes or try and hook up, we went to hang out and get a drink with people who are like us.

We fought about the CL crap, was it really worth it? Nope, it really wasn't. I wish I hadn't done it, but I did, I fucked up there, I did and I know it.

But,

The lady told him we would have a bad break up, and it could take up to five years to get back together, and I hope its true, but id treat him like a king if we did.